


get lost tracing my steps back

by the hyacinth girl (arguendo)



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Game Spoilers, M/M, POV Second Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-05
Updated: 2017-05-05
Packaged: 2018-10-28 08:28:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10827558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arguendo/pseuds/the%20hyacinth%20girl
Summary: Favors exchanged after a juvenile court hearing.





	get lost tracing my steps back

**Author's Note:**

> 1\. raise your hand if you think that akechi goro, ace detective, spent years stalking shido masayoshi and didn't know that he'd fucked over some high school brat through his own shortcomings. ri-ight.
> 
> 2\. warning: the following contains no kissing, but all of my life regrets.

Names make fate. You know this best of all.

Some careless secretary's hand inked out a spiderweb of a name into his record. At the back of the courtroom with your ankles crossed between the bars of a folding chair, you pieced a boy out of it on a whim. Just a stolen file, a white-creased photograph, and you with one semester's worth of anthropological etymology tucked under your tongue. _Kurusu Akira_. He's a predictive name, a secret told in future tenses; he's a den, a haunt, a roosting place. His name means glass, means a warmth that shivers under your skin like daylight. In the old days, when the country dug every well by hand and the priests sang blessings by the rivers, they named children after common things for protection. Summer, worked metal, a particular shade of red. Split your name with nature, and nature would carry your misfortunes: shelter you from curses, bear away the thorns scattered into every human's due path.

But soft, time: the stars have reeled and wheeled away. Old-fashioned nature's waned under concrete rises, withered with it all the dark superstitions. The modern name is a prisoner's rite: fashioned by a parent's dull hopes, locked into government filings, branded with scores and ratings and records until your name hangs heavy at your throat, reels your wrists to a grown-up's desk and maroons you there to age and swell. Law stands vigil where nature once did, and Kurusu Akira, named for nests and dawns and things yet unseen, is going into exile.

 _Kurusu Akira._ There's the name, carved or scrawled or prettied for filing, and then there's the boy. His hair all tufts and print-black curls. A scratch still burning across one cheek. Alone, sixteen years old, tucked into one of the oak-paneled alcoves of the Tokyo Family Court with his hands folded between his knees. Still flushed with his verdict. Jacket sleeves rumpled up to his elbows, shoulders unstrung. A record thin enough to be tucked into the jaws of Juvenile Law Article 3.1.1 and swallowed. 

His irises flicker, thin-painted, behind the square frames; the whites gleam like new steel. "You're staring," he observes.

They used to fire porcelain up to a clarity like his; your fingers itch and twitch to feel the furnace's echo that must still be caught in the line of his jaw. "You shouldn't have bitten your lips," you say. You're thinking of pottery-finishing practices used for Jomon earthenware. You aren't thinking at all.

He looks at you, crooks his brows up. Reflex presses his tongue to his teeth, the brink of a lip, before he pulls back. His chair shrieks with rust as he slouches.

"At the trial," you tell him, as if he could have forgotten the grim parade already. The lonely gnarled court reporter, shotgunning tea by the can. The string of feather-browed men in pressed suits lined up behind a plastic table, jaws cracking with yawns held back. The glory and glamor of the Japanese judicial system, no more than ten minutes gone. "Unfortunately, lip-biting's a classic sign of nervousness. Studies suggest that jurors and judges alike recognise nerves as signs of guilt. The system was always stacked against you—but signs only make you seem less worth excusing."

A beat. 

"Thank you for that," he says, the way that another boy might have said, _I'm glad that oral fixation's working out for you, stranger who chased me out of the courtroom_. The double-image quirks his mouth, sharp as a torn coil. "I'll keep that in mind the next time I'm on trial."

" _Next time_. You could say it with a little more spite."

"Is that my line? Sorry—it's my first time reading through this scene. It's a good thing I have a pro here to tell me how to be myself the _right_ way."

Vectored into a police lineup, he'd looked like a half-finished sketch. You would have drawn him in charcoals if only your fingers could have traced his shape: a figure worked into being by empty spaces and a wax-eyed stare, his wrists turned crescents beneath the waning cuffs, matchstick-joints begging for strings. Black and white, rough work all over. Nothing in the lineup shots had promised that bladed edge, the gaze glinting steady as an axle. You look at him, the mirrorlike attention that a student might bend to tracing paper; but try as you might, you can't thread your way back to that thin delinquent slip. "Did you like your judge?" you say instead. Curiosity blunts your tongue. "Decades ago, Judge Takahashi asked to be assigned to family court. Usually it's the other way around. He's spoken in several panels about potential mechanics for minimising juvenile recidivism in Japan. If you asked his colleagues today, they'd very likely tell you that he considers our juvenile justice system to be one of the most significant and underconsidered parts of our country's legal system."

"He didn't like me."

"But he was fair to you," you say.

He shrugs; your goad slips off his shoulders. "He did what he did," Kurusu says, all glossless indifference. "And now I'm someone else's problem."

Under the hearing's cloud he'd looked at Takahashi in the same way: wrist cocked along the back of the chair, black head dipping away like a daisy's. A happenstance refusal: the stirring of a shadow without the animal instinct to reject, waking and wheeling only to outside whimsy. 

You say, "Shikibu Natsuo's. To be exact."

"Shikibu—"

" _Natsuo._ "

You answer the way he'd asked, like an archer chasing a rival's shot, bruising with focus. Fluorescent light jumps with a skipping vein, scraping the hollow beneath his pulse into pearl; you swallow with the flex of his throat. He's all slight betrayals, this one: the kind of shadow who'd burn away under a spotlight's glare. You are giving yourself away, telling him too much, and for an instant beneath the vinyl-capped halls of the district court, Kurusu Akira looks at you like there's nothing else in the world.

Your fists tighten in their gloves; in the hush, your veins are singing.

"Shikibu-san," you say, "has volunteered as a probation officer in the Sendagaya district and surrounding areas for the past fifteen years." 

He doesn't speak. You smile, a milky tragic neutrality, and lace your fingers behind your back. 

"He's struggled with his drinking for seven of those years," you tell him, a tender voice which unfurls beneath the weight of his unfaltering eyes, stitching roots into his muteness. "His wife would appreciate the excuse to leave him, but her father's sick, and she hopes that she may be able to rein in her husband's behavior sufficiently to keep her father comfortable. For the past two years, her job performance reports have fallen below standard; she's taken up all of her sick leave days. On questioning, the neighbors admit that they hear too many arguments, which fall silent too abruptly to have been the results of a happy couple making up—"

" _Stop_ ," Kurusu says, but that's nothing—coaldust and a dash of cold water to the way he's still looking at you. "What are you telling me?"

A name. A habit. A secret. The levers which will bow Shikibu's head and shutter his guarding eyes. Nothing that a clever boy wouldn't learn on his own in time—but timing is everything. "Shikibu-san is an honorable man, an intelligent man. A man who's recognised that the greatest thing any man can be in our society is _gainfully employed_. Because he's always lived in a well-to-do area, recidivism generally isn't a problem for the delinquents assigned to his care. He's never had to handle a problem case. If anything—arises. Anything that could threaten the balance of his lifestyle. How quick do you think he'll be to hunt it down, to report it, and to correct it?"

"Oh," he says.

"Oh?"

But his expression's folding back into distance; with gentle thought, he punches fist to palm. "You were in the back-row," he says. "You cackled when the judge dropped his coffee on himself."

It rings in your ears: beating, absurdly beating. The observation has nothing to do with his guilt or his probation; he's feeding you the line just to see how its hook fits into your tongue. Still, your shoulders bolt stiff, snapping - "I don't _cackle_."

"You might want to take the back way out of here," Kurusu says, deadpan. "I was close to the front. One of the guards definitely gave you the evil eye."

It's an ugly juxtaposition: that voice, baited as an empty bell, laid against his starry, fixing eyes. Asymmetrical where the mind begs for balance. "Are we trading favors? Warning for warning?" You step to a side, arms drawn wide to call space between you. Your smile hooks sidelong. "I almost feel as if I should have brought you flowers."

"I wouldn't expect it. I don't," he says, quick and low and tolling-clear, "expect anything from you."

Your wrists tumble. "A gift typically doesn't need asking for," you say. "What you mean is that you don't trust me. Do you think a gesture like this reflects well on anyone who backs it? The information you have doesn't give you real leverage. It's a small advantage at best, and one with a high cost to the giver as much as the taker. If you think that there's any chance I could use this against you—turn me in."

He lifts his head, but nothing else: like a weathervane, one wind-tugged sway before the stillness tides back.

"Unless," you say. "Unless you feel that you don't deserve even that much help. Perhaps I'm not giving you enough credit; perhaps you do want to atone." You're smiling, a flimsy crease of lip and teeth. "How... _reasonable_ of you.

"Of course, now that I think about it—it was that kind of situation, wasn't it? A career woman, her supervisor, and a young boy with no business wandering onto a deserted street so far from his own home at night, Anyone would have convicted you," you tell him. Loud and louder: the hall shrills with you, frost jolting off your every word—but none of it fit to pierce the porcelain casing of a doll-eyed boy. "Do you know why? It's because society's designed to reward those who live their lives entirely above suspicion. We left virtue and morality in our huts and gave ourselves up to be sheltered by the look of things. We live in an era of shadow dramas. As long as things _look_ all right, they must be. Perception is everything, and nothing roots perception as deeply as fear. Well before you'd walked in to plead your case, every man on the panel knew your tale." You laugh. "You're a _ghost_ , Kurusu Akira. You strayed from the path, let yourself stand out from the rest of society—and so you're beyond justice's reach. You're a repeat, that's all, echoing the patterns of those who've walked before you, hardly the first and never the last, and what does any of it matter if—"

 _If_.

Stop. Breathe in the silence; breathe out with your scalded-mute lungs. _We live in a shadow drama—_ and here you are with your gestures cutting shapes through the black and lines wiring taut your every limb. It takes only a single master to stitch together a story—and so you had. You traced a name out of precinct gossip— _called down to Shido's office again, gotta be a taskforce brewing, right? you think they're sifting out the best names in there?_ —and so you'd deduced and believed, chased across district-wards to a grey little courthouse three stations outside of your territory. To a shadow you'd come, a tourist in the strange land of hope armed with venom and a stolen file, with long strings planted in your marrows ready to reel you back.

The judge had told himself one story; you're snarling another into the courthouse's vain, sober quiet. You have, the both of you, projected today. Kurusu Akira is that kind of boy: a figure of wax, a porcelain toy, trick dice and meaningless clarity, who acts and then is still. A boy who'd struck the wrong man for reasons of his own. A shadow-play's lead silhouette. Nothing to hold onto.

"If."

Your lashes flicker the dust. "What?"

Kurusu rises. His shadow stretches with him, towering: an emperor's shape, a devil's, a japing twist before it stops. "If," he echoes, "things don't change."

"Oh," you say, and laugh. "Of course it's that easy."

"You say I'm beyond justice. If you're wrong, I can prove it. If you're right," slower, "it means I'm free. Either way, I don't have to be alone for that. Do I."

Silence creeps between you in tidelike cowardice, and rushes out again. You're shivering, too, with its restlessness. The gamble'd been yours but he's only raised the stakes: leaning into you like he means to memorise the slope of mouth and neck, the salt prickling dry your tongue. Quell the storm in your caging veins. His eyes are ash and sea-glass, relentless. You can't think.

"Why?"

"No one's been angry for me yet," he says, soft enough to taste the click of each syllable. "No one but you."

"You don't know me, Kurusu," you say: an inkscrawl's worth of excuses gone to smoke in your throat. He doesn't know your name; he doesn't know what you'll take from him, what you're capable of wreaking and weathering. He hasn't _asked_ you what change means; he doesn't know—

"So," he says, and grins slow and unmarred. "Fix that."

He's the kind of story that mothers would have buried in dry wells, that priests once held under the froth and beating of rivers. _Give me a chain, a name, a fate worth keeping_.

You're staring again, though he hasn't said so. But you're a modern boy: raised on a knockoff name and all the wrong rites. Too late, you know yourself, as you must have before you'd come. For a blessing like his, you'll give him everything.


End file.
